Do you ever feel like your life is a rollercoaster of extremes with no happy medium?
Maybe you’re feeling on top of the world one moment and you’re acing all your projects.
Or, you’re messing up every opportunity to shine, never quite meeting your own or others’ expectations?
“All-or-nothing” thinking, otherwise known as “black-or-white” thinking, can affect all of us, particularly during periods of high stress.
If you’ve ever felt upset about performing “well” rather than “perfectly” on a task, or catching up with rather than outperforming a rival company, keep reading.
This blog unpacks the psychological processes behind all-or-nothing thinking with some real-life examples. I’ll explain how it can negatively impact our wellbeing when it’s not adequately managed and—if you’ve related to this reaction—you’ll learn three better ways to manage stress.
How Does It Work?
All-or-nothing thinking is a recognized cognitive distortion that prevents us from appreciating the (very real) subtleties that make life much easier to navigate. That simply means that it’s an unhelpful thinking pattern which becomes a habit; a mental shortcut that can be triggered by stress.
This mental shortcut is what can make us feel like life is a series of absolutes. It can lead to unrealistic expectations that essentially set us up for failure and more stress:
- An excellent presentation is ruined because we fumbled one fact
- We failed an exam by earning an “A” rather than an “A+”
- Our colleague can’t be trusted because they forgot one important deadline.
What Can We Do About It?
The solution to all-or-nothing thinking involves recognizing the nuanced shades of gray that exist between two extremes. This is much harder for us to do when we’re stressed out, which is where grounding techniques can come in helpful.
The more we can “ground” ourselves in the present, the less we are preoccupied and affected by anxious feelings. While grounding exercises can be effective in stressful moments, they’re also something we can practice each day. This not only builds our resilience but helps us connect to and savor our experiences, ultimately improving our wellbeing.
As we’ve seen, all-or-nothing thinking is like walking a tightrope without acknowledging the safety net below. As well as contributing to greater stress, it leads to missed growth and learning opportunities—plus, life is much more pleasant when we learn to overcome it.
That’s why I’ve created the All-or-Nothing Thinking Stress! Coaching Card and curated three tips to help you manage this stress reaction.
3 Ways To See The Gray
Practice these three grounding exercises each day to develop a more flexible, forgiving mindset and a greater appreciation of progress as opposed to perfection.
1. Feel Safe In Yourself
This technique can be quite an effective way to calm down when you feel overwhelmed or unexpectedly triggered. It helps you find a “safe space” of your own wherever you are:
- Stand with your feet placed solidly on the ground, centering yourself and finding balance.
- Feel the weight of your body pressing down on your feet.
- Visualize roots growing from your feet deep into the earth, anchoring you firmly.
This visualization promotes a sense of stability and helps you feel present in the moment. It can make you feel less like a victim by preparing you for the next steps in your journey of empowerment.
2. The Rainbow Game
This activity (by an expert called DiTomasso) is called “The Rainbow Game.” It’s designed to calm you by increasing your awareness of your surroundings and anchoring you in the present. The Rainbow Game can get you out of your head and prevent you from getting carried away by automatic thought patterns:
- Look around at your environment
- Try to locate an item of each color of the rainbow, starting with red.
- Name the color and name of the item out loud. You might want to add the item’s function or use; for example: “Blue; I see a blue vase that I use to hold flowers.”
- Continue playing by naming different items until you feel calmer and can think with more clarity.
3. Recite Something
We can manage cognitive distortions using a CBT technique called cognitive restructuring. This involves recognizing, challenging, and replacing unhelpful thoughts (such as black-or-white thinking) with more positive, adaptive thoughts.
The more grounded we are, the more open we are to cognitive restructuring, and recitation is one technique which can facilitate both.
This tip is as simple as choosing a lyric, poem, or passage that you’re familiar with and reciting it. You can do this
- Out loud, while concentrating on how each word rolls off your tongue and through your lips
- Mentally, while visualizing each word as if it were written.
