Have you ever been called pig-headed? Intractable? Or stubborn?
Standing firm by our beliefs or values can get us far in life, it’s true. We enjoy healthy relationships by setting boundaries, overcome obstacles by persevering, and protect the things we love by defending them.
But sometimes, and especially when we’re under pressure, that very same hardheadedness can work against us.
If you’ve ever refused to budge over something trivial or argued needlessly with a colleague over ‘doing it a certain way’, you’ll be able to relate.
Today, I’ll explain how to spot when stress is making you inflexible—or rigid—and what you can do about it.
Perseverance or Inflexibility?
It’s all too easy to spot rigid behavior in others, but somehow, we can even fail to recognize it when we’re actively being called stubborn.
As a general rule of thumb: When stubbornness or inflexibility stifles our growth or relationships, it’s usually a good idea to address it.
Some signs that you’re being inflexible (rather than defending an honorable cause!) include:
- Refusing more suggestions than you agree to
- Doing things your way, even when nobody’s keen to join in
- Shutting yourself off to others’ ideas
- Highlighting all the flaws in others’ plans
- Getting annoyed when others try to challenge your ideas
- Being incredibly skilled at arguing your perspective, and
- Always, always, having the final say.
Why Stress Makes Us Rigid
So we know that stress can make us rather rigid, but how does it work?
Humans have evolved to spot and react to possible threats. It’s why our stress—or freeze, fight, or flight—responses are instantly triggered when we’re faced with ambiguity.
Having our plans derailed in favor of new ideas is a prime example—if we can’t draw on past experience, we can’t necessarily predict our potential outcomes. It can make us feel anxious, and often, we try to alleviate that anxiety by eliminating the source of uncertainty.
It looks exactly like ‘sticking to your guns,’ or refusing to compromise. To others, it’s rigidity. Stubbornness. It’s hard-headedness in a nutshell.
How Others See It
By closing us off to new suggestions, ideas, and viewpoints, being rigid compromises our creative capabilities. It makes us less able to plan ahead, can stifle innovation, and even encourage others to avoid us when we’re under pressure.
In many cases, and in today’s workplaces especially, rigidity is a hard-wired defense mechanism that often does more harm than good. If we can learn to spot it, we can reconsider its usefulness, which is precisely why I created the Becoming Rigid Stress Coaching Card.
3 Ways to Open Your Mind
If you’re sick of being called inflexible, or even tired of fighting so many battles, there are ways to relax and go with the flow.
These 3 coaching tips will help you find a healthy balance and get along with others more easily.
1. Settle for ‘Good Enough’
Stubbornness can be…stubborn, and a tough habit to kick. Why not pick your battles?
Next time you’re tempted to force your agenda, consider settling for a compromise. Acknowledge that things will be fine even if your ‘ideal’ plan doesn’t go through, and you may find that being more agreeable in the moment has longer-term benefits.
A good trick is to come up with two lists of things: those you’ll never compromise on, and things where ‘good enough’ will do.
2. Practice Empathy
Trying to see things from your listener’s perspective can be illuminating. Being stubborn often makes us so focused on our own agenda that we fail to notice the very real advantages of alternative suggestions.
When a colleague or friend next counters your point of view, try this:
- Hold back on your perspective for a second, and repeat what they’re saying back to them.
- Pay conscious attention to what their words really mean, and
- Consider their potential reasons for doing things their way.
How do you see things now?
3. Find Your Mantra
When we’re firmly closed off to others’ perspectives, we are essentially absorbed in our own world. But ‘stepping outside’ or ‘transcending’ yourself can actually reduce anxiety!
The idea dates back to Sanskrit scriptures, where the ‘mantra’ concept of a transcendental, soothing sound was born. (Interestingly, man = ‘the linear mind’ and tra = ‘release’).
Try inventing a mantra for when you’re feeling hardheaded, like “My view isn’t the only one. I’m opening up to others’ perspectives.”
Use your mantra when you’re seated comfortably in a peaceful place, free from potential distractions. Start a 2-3 minute timer and simply repeat your mantra aloud or under your breath. You could take slower, deeper breaths along with your repetitions for an even more soothing effect.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself if your mind starts wandering, and don’t struggle to squash unrelated thoughts. Practice non-judgmental acceptance by acknowledging them, releasing them, and coming back to your mantra.
Debrief yourself afterward, even note your feelings down. Are you feeling more accepting? Open? Less stubborn?
